Feeling suicidal?

[...] would you feel if not one but five of your friends committed suicide? I read it amazement this post by Anthraxxx who talks about the number of friends he lost through suicide. I can’t imagine [...]

Okay, I can let you into some secrets about depression.
I’ve had a number of friends who have killed themselves. I was even near the railway tracks when one of them got decapitated by a train [but I didn't see it happen. I was keeping another of my friends away whilst the police and ambulance carted his body away].

But, in cases like myself [I've got the slash marks to prove I've tried], my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine to keep me happy. I’m not insane, I’m not crazy, BUT, normal people have normal amounts of dopamine in their brains to keep them happy. Bi-Polar people have mood swings as they either have too much or not enough [the brain doesn't regulate it properly, like my Grandfather], and people who just suffer extreme depression [like myself] just don’t have enough dopamine.

The things they treat depression with often have BAD side effects, and in some cases medication can actually cause suicidal thoughts. [I had that reaction to a drug called Clonodine, because the psychiatrist treating me refused to believe I had depression and told me I was just stressed! Unfortunately, the side effect of treating a depressed person with clonodine is usually suicide or at least an attempt].

So, imagine your WORST possible day! Imagine how you feel having no reason to live, no real friends, nothing in your favour. Imagine how you would feel being useless, having no worth in the eyes of the world or even your own eyes … once you can imagine that, then imagine it about ten times as worse and THEN you’re probably getting close to what it’s like to suffer this. [No, I'm not doing it to make you depressed. Everyone cheer up!] But, next, imagine it’s like a long dark tunnel with NO LIGHT at the end. You have no idea when or if you’ll ever come out of it.
That’s my world.

The problem with it, is it’s a very lonely fight.

BUT, at the end of it all, I like to think it’s a bit like when you break up with someone and you say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ And in the case of people who suffer depression etc who end up suiciding, it’s not those who are left behind that had the problem, so no guilt should be felt. “It’s not you, it’s me!” It really is.
[No, I'm not about to go kill myself ... just having to express it that way, as it's how I think about it.]

In the case of Stress etc causing people to suicide, it’s a similar mind set. They are so stressed etc that it causes a depression to the point that it seems like a logical way to end the pain. It’s not that they WANT to kill themselves. They just want the pain to end. [Which is why I'm against suicide and euthanasia. Methods of dealing or removing the pain are what are really needed.]

And if you ever do hear that I’ve done it, don’t feel guilty and don’t ask ‘why?’. You know why. It’s not you, it’s me.

I am truly sorry, that you have to endure loosing not 1 but 5 friends who made a choice about their lives. It is heartbreaking when you loose your friends in such a way. I feel for you.