What it takes Barisan Nasional to win the upcoming Pilihan Raya Tak Umum this time

March 3, 2008

The General Erection is here and Barisan Nasional will do anything to retain their 2/3 majority.

Rise Phantom Voters! Rise!

Phantom voters are one of most powerful methods in denying the opposition but it can be stupidly manipulated too. These people in Barisan Nasional ought to clear their najis knowledge in building a ‘believable’ database unless they want us to believe there are really a society of grown up mutants who are only 12 years old and a community of Highlanders like Connor MacLeod who are more than 120 years old. Barisan Nasional has gotten so powerful they are able to summon the dead to vote from Hell. Before this I thought only Necromancer has the power do to so.

Character assassination campaign.

They ownz the radio, they ownz the Press, they ownz TV channel. With these superweapons in their disposal, performing character assasination is much more easier than assasinating Edison Chen. Remember to gather people who only read Utusan, Harian Metro, The Star, NasTyPee. Interview your paid interviewees (must be strictly a chinaman face) what they think of opposition leaders they will tell you they are a bunch of reincarnated devils with evil conspiracy in destroying the country for demanding cleaner and fairer electoral seizures.

Hadi Awang is painted by the national press as the Malaysian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Lim Kit Siang Ikan is given the accolade of being the Mao Tze Tung of South East Asia while Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim will be crown as the greatest non chinese opera actor by Oscar The Grouch (of the Sesame Street fame).

Impersonating Average Joes

Politicians from Barisan Nasional MUST be humble. Be prepare to impersonate what the average joes do. Frying Char Kueh Teow and tossing yee sangs in public are actually outdated. Although it is a sign of good will, Malaysians want something more realistic. Like getting your face caught by the paparazzis while buying pirated VCDs.

Remember to flash your “thumbs up” grin when necessary, that will score a point within the pirated buyers. Remember, pirate buyers greatly outnumbered the original buyers in Malaysia. Getting their votes is a sure advantage. You need to rob the rich for the poor. Endorsing Piracy is a trait of modern day Robin Hood.

Electing a relevant Minister of Culture.

Instead of having some one to defend our culture, we must have some one to label anything that goes against the government is against our culture. Bashing government via blogging is uncultured. Basically it is barbaric to bash the government and Malaysian hates to be labeled as a bunch of uneducated cavemen. This strategy does not apply to Kampung people though as the internet penetration is extremely low there.

As a matter of fact, our beloved cultural minister had a list of uncultured things to do in Malaysia. Remember the remind the rakyat that it is very cultural thing for us to blatantly bribe the law enforcers with their “aku pro rasuah” badge on and lying through our teeth in front of national TV bin propaganda machine.

Create a fake riot.

You don’t need a real riot to instill fear in your citizens because we are generally a kiasi (takut mateh, bukan yamateh) generation. We just need to do something like Wag The Dog, but don’t wag like a dog. Fake a riot. Utilize the technology of telecommunication and hypermarkets.

Sign a lifetime contract with Ananda Krishnan and the annoying Yellow Guy from Digi to support mass SMSes that starts with “something really really really bad is going to happen”, ask the people to stock up their daily provision 3 days before the General Erection. It is a win-win situation. The hypermarkets get to enjoy a huge spike in their profit while Barisan Nasional winning the election with a 99% majority.

Printing posters.

Have you seen the BN posters? Come on! With the 3 Ms (mass media, money, monkeys) in their disposal, they ought to produce something better. Make sure you act like a pop star. Remember, you are promoting your face to the people. Don’t bombard the people with the boring old manifestos. The people are not going to read it. There are high chances that they will end up in the rubbish bin.

Smart politicians should seize the opportunity of securing the services of hawker stalls by using his poster face as their food wrapper. Although the people won’t read, but I am sure they will see your face and the killer slogan “Undilah Barisan Nasional” or “A Vote For A Pack Of Nasi Lemak Is A Vote For Malaysia”. Beware though; if you are ugly you better not try this strategy because the people will puke before eating their food.

Deploying Polis Diraja Barisan Nasional

Another BN’s classic strategy in instilling fear within the rakyat. Has been effective since 1969. Since it’s 2008, they need to rebrand. They need to employ people who don’t look like cops because samsengs are a prefered choice. Mat Cemerlangs are also encouraged to sign up for recruiment drive because of their large number. Large number = Cheap labour mah. Since they are already samseng in nature, the new-age police regiment can save billions of ringgit in their mobster training program. Grassroot experience outweights maggi mee (instant) training any time.

As they say “kalau hendak melentur butoh, biarlah dari rebungnya”. Shout the recruiment slogan. Instead of “Uncle Sam wants you”, shout “Pak Lah wants you”. Pak is also uncle in BM what. Polis Diraja Barisan Nasional is extremely useful for the party to distract the opposition for saying their piss in ceramahs. Barisan Nasional can seize this opportunity by promoting their empty talk although most of their ceramahs are generally boring while their nemesis are too preoccupied in bailing their comrades out from solitary confinement.

With kickass strategies like these, how can Barisan Nasional not win the upcoming erection?

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Posted in Humor, Politics, Satire, Sarcasm