I got my brother’s funeral pictures earlier today. Hard copies. There were two sets of it. I will only get the soft copies when my uncle returns to Malacca in his next trip. He just went back to Kuala Kangsar yesterday night. Some how I could not contain my emotions when I look at the photos again. I guess I have not fully come to terms with my brother’s death yet.

It’s healing slow but every time when I look at his photos I would remember his sad face on the day he died. Oh yeah, there was a shot of myself weeping halfway when I delivered the eulogy too. It was very embarrasing, considering I haven’t wept openly in public for many years. The last time I did that when I was 11 years old. I’m trying my best to deal with it.

I am going to look at his photos often because I do not want to forget what he look like. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing since I only get to remember his young face when I last saw him. That way, he will always have this young look in my heart forever.

I don’t want to remember him with an old face. I am sure he wants it this way too. He probably laugh at me when I go up there with an older face. Only if i get to live long enough of course.

Technorati Tags: longing, jonathan, emotions, memories

Hi Jonathan. How are you doing up there? I hope you are having a blast. Do send my regards to Theresa as well. It has been almost 3 months since you went back to the Lord. Your brother, who is still a mortal being, are showing emotions of a meek mortal. Yeah, your brother still miss you here.

Did you know that we can still how you smell like from your favorite mini bolster? I know it’s sick of not washing it for the longest time because I didn’t want to forget that smell and it was located right beside you before you went up.

So the first thing I did was to remove the bolster from your arms since you don’t need it any more once you make your trip up there. Why need a bolster if there are unlimited fluffy clouds for you to form a natural bolster?

Do you remember the sermons by Pastor Rustie Russells cd that i burnt for you because you enjoy listening to his words? I still have it, you know. I never gave it away even though I have another copy in my computer. It was the last thing you heard when you went away peacefully on that night.

The sermons accompanied by some beautiful background melody sounded heavenly although I was crying like water wall. Sorry for not getting a better cd player for you. I should have done it earlier otherwise you would have enjoyed the high quality audio. I wonder if you got something better up there.

You know, something much more advanced than iPod. I know you always wanted one of those and how mad you were when one of your ungrateful friend borrowed your hard earn money without returning it.

Mum and dad are doing fine. You don’t have to worry about them. Dad is back at his old ways. You know what I’m talking about. Andrew claims he almost forget what you look like. I think he’s lying. He probably do not want to admit that he misses you. Can see it through his body language. Mau tunjuk macho. Such a silly kid.

But he did admit he misses your morning call though. I took over the role entirely for now. So you don’t have worry much already. Everything is under control and life goes on although it will never be the same without having you around, doing all the family activities together. But we will meet again some day. Some day we will.

Technorati Tags: jonathan, heaven, cancer, emotions, longing

Hmm I had a dream of my brother again last night. Been having lots of dream about him lately. It wasn’t frequent on the first month he passed away. As usual, my dream looked very real and when I woke up, I was disappointed it was just a dream anyway. The dream was pretty detailed and I saw him getting married. Not surprising that I thought it was real. I will elaborate more about it next time because I can’t really find the right words to describe this dream I had at the moment.

When I first visited my brother after his successful knee transplant in UMMC 5 years ago, there was a young girl I know from the same ward. Her name is Theresa (not her real name but this person is real). She is a year older than Jonathan and she was born in the year 1984.

She was diagnosed of cancer when she is in the midst of sitting for the SPM examination. It was such a big blow to Theresa because she is a very brilliant student since she has been consistently placed in the school’s top 4 students every year. My dad told me she was admitted since a year ago. My parents also took care of her every time my brother was admitted because she’s always alone.

St Theresa, Malacca.

Going back to where she belongs.

Her parents are busy working back in Johor as they have 3 other children to take care of and it’s inconvenient for them to travel to Petaling Jaya on frequent basis. So her parents only come once a month.

Her cousin was all she got in PJ but she cannot come to visit every time because she also has work commitment and some other duties to attend. She had similar illness with my brother but her condition was more severe since she’s already in the final stages of her osteosarcoma.

She was not so fortunate like Jonathan back then because her surgery was not successful so her affected legs has to be amputated. Theresa was a very strong girl. Despite this setback, she remained positive and she never ever frown or show any negativity from the day she was admitted to the hospital.

She is cheerful and the nurses loved her very much because of her optimism. Too bad her life has to be cut short because she is struck with strong fever shortly after her final dose of chemotherapy. Even when she was very weak during her final hours, she is strong enough to smile for the last time before she pass on.

She passed away peacefully in 2002.

Technorati Tags: cancer, jonathan, Theresa, Heaven, peace, tranquility

I left a comment in YuinYin’s post and I think it deserves an elaboration.

June 2007 was the most difficult month for my family. It was the month we got all sorts of calls from different kind of people asking about Jonathan. They claimed they are concern about his health and would like to know more about his condition. Yeah they are very concern indeed when all they ask if he’s going to do die and do we intend to do anything about it and stuffs like that. Do they honestly think we can provide a proper answer?

Some people decided to act smart by imposing their opinions because they think my parents are not doing enough to help with my brother’s illness. Well that’s weird because its my parents who gave life to my brother, and those people know my brother for like few weeks? Suddenly every one thinks they are more knowledgeable than the oncologists by giving the most outrageous opinions.

They also felt that they are fit to pass judgments on my parents simply because they think my parents does not seem to care enough about my brother. These people are sad because Jonathan is getting weaker and is unable to recognize people. Uh hello? Think you people are only one who are sad? In case you have already forgotten, Jonathan is made from my parents blood and flesh.

If he is bogged down by illness, who do you think would felt pain the most? And it doesn’t help either if you keep asking idiotic questions like “is he going to die” or “how come can get cancer”? It’s like asking whether a person would die after jumping off from a 100-storey building. Thanks for the concern, man. Do you want a medal?

Technorati Tags: jonathan, cancer, Kay-Poh-Chee, turds, retards, Idiocism, judge Dread

My beloved sister have created a new blog dedicated specially to her late mum. Her entries are very well written and full of passion until it made it hard for me to contain my own emotions. Yeah my tears just started to drip without me realising. I guess it stirred my hidden memories I have for my brother. Do hop over and show her some emotional support. Dear meimei, I just want you to know that korkor truly know how you feel.

Ah Fook was Blackie’s sole surviving son. Most of Ah Fook’s siblings were washed away by the massive flood back in 2006. It was a miracle how Ah Fook the puppy managed to survive the ordeal. My brother was sympathized over Ah Fook’s predicament since he did not want to send Ah Fook to SPCA because he knows if no one is going to adopt Ah Fook for a certain time, he might be put to sleep.

So Jonathan immediately began to search for a good home for him. After searching for nearly a month, my brother Jonathan finally found a potential home for Ah Fook. It is not merely a home that are willing to accommodate Ah Fook because his potential owner is very found of canines so Jonathan was very positive that Ah Fook would live comfortably ever after.

Sound like a fairy tale since there are too many “dog lovers” who’s not responsible and would eventually dump them away once they got bored of them. Finding a good owner is like finding a straw in a stack of hays. Fortunately enough, Ah Fook’s owner is a genuine dog lover. Jonathan was delighted because he does not need to worry about Ah Fook’s wellbeing anymore.

Ah Fook was no longer a puppy, he’s a now a very strong and elegant dog. Jonathan would visit Ah Fook every month whenever he’s free. Well not anymore since his last visit was back in 2 months before he succumb to his illness. Ah Fook would wonder why Jonathan did not come to visit him if Ah Fook knows how to talk or express his concern. Since he can’t talk nor understand any complex human language, he would never know Jonathan has passed on.

Technorati Tags: ah fook, jonathan, siblings, puppies, dogs, SPCA

I am pretty tired today. Had to wake up early to have my breakfast and met my Ah Bok (elder aunt in hainanese dialect I think) who came back from UK (not Ulu Kelang). It was great to see her again as she only return home once a year. Time flies because the memory of her chatting with us last year is still fresh in my mind as if it just happened yesterday. I still remember the day she gave encouragement to my brother so that he’s able to excel in his business and studies.

It’s a pity that he passed away without realizing his dreams. Yeah I know he’s in a better place. I know that. But sometimes I just hope he’s able to see the end results of what he worked for. It saddens me even more when grandma asked where my brother is. She didn’t know what happened. You see, my brother is one of her favourite grandsons. We didn’t tell her because she’s not in her best condition and we are afraid that she might not able to take it. She has a history with stroke and she can’t afford to take another. So we just told her Jonathan has gone overseas to work.

Although her memory has weakened a lot for the past 6 years, she is still sharp enough to notice my brother’s sudden disappearance. I think she’s able to remember him the most because Jonathan will always make time to visit her and even bought some of her favorite food every time he drops by. Who could possibly forget the sincere gestures from this chap? That was the simplest reason he’s able to touch many hearts and hundreds turn up for his funeral wake. No matter where you are Jonathan, we will always remember the thoughtful spirit in you.

Technorati Tags: United Kingdom, Aunt, Jonathan, Memories, siblings

Hmmmm it feels lonely with out having to fight for the car. Every time I drive the car, I would think of you. I remember the day you honked the car every time you return home from your work to fetch Andrew. Sometimes I do hope you would be in the car again. I would imagine you sitting right beside me, in the passenger’s seat. It also felt lonely without your presence. I thought I have forgotten all the sadness in me until I drove pass the particular building of the hospital you passed away. I was wrong.

Every time I look at the building, I would think of you again. The gush of sadness just came right to me, smacking my face. I remember the day you told you can’t sleep with your back lying on the bed because you have breathing difficulties. It hurts me so much that you cannot even sleep properly on your bed and you didn’t get to enjoy the air con you always wanted in your room. Yeah you told me to get on with my life. I’m trying to. I guess I needed more time.

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate TenthOfMarch aka ChanKelwin for completing his blogathon quest. Seriously, I don’t think I’ll have the “stamina” and “mental toughness” to blog 24 hours none stop. I could have given up at the 8th hour but TenthOfMarch manage to battle through the odds despite the temptation from his bed Medusa calling him “come come baybeh, lets play on the masterbed together gether” to sleep (sorta like the forbidden fruit out for Eve but he’s no lady of course).

Well, it doesn’t matter if the posts are rubbish but at least he’s able to give birth to so many posts within 30 minutes each while I need about 4 to 5 hours to come out with an idea just to blog. Sometimes I even need 2 freaking days for inspiration. I honestly do not think all these post are rubbish because I manage to read every one of it. Okay I cheated a little, I wasn’t at home for the past few hours and did not wait 30 minutes for every post but I read them all after I got back. Anyway, I would also like to thank him for publishing my entry as a guest post in his blog.

Whatever it is, you deserve a pat on the back dude.

PS:- My beloved god mei mei wrote a post about her mum’s passing. It’s long but you can feel her emotions in every word she wrote. This is the first time I cried again ever since the day my brother was buried under the ground.